I'm not a big fad dieter, but I've been known to dip my toes into a fad or two, maybe even wade in knee-deep.
That "Sacred Heart Diet" was one of the longest weeks of my life and it didn't even do that much in spite of the pounds my sorority sister claimed to have lost while eating only the prescribed veggie soup.
And I'm not EVER going to gulp down a raw egg, blended or otherwise.
But the concept of a fresh, good for you, homemade beverage can lure me in like the glowy antenna of some deep water predator.
I chose the least scary detox shake recipe I could find on the internet. Okay, the second least scary as the one that called for dark chocolate powder and coconut milk I couldn't finish because I didn't have any strawberries . . . or coconut milk, actually. So here I am blending frozen blueberries and soy milk and a bit o cucumber with water and probably something else, and I'm thinking how hard can it be? It's not like I'm doing a freaking kale infusion here.
So wrong. I was so wrong.
First off, let's note that the term "beverage" is used loosely here.
Secondly, who in their right mind thinks that cucumber and berries deserve to be mixed together! *Shudder.* If this were Top Chef, we would have had an epic tasting moment involving Tom Colicchio making faces then commenting that there's innovation that works and innovation that just doesn't taste good.
So with this memory fresh on my tongue, I tripped to the grocery store.
At first I was gathering items for future blending. 5 lbs of blueberries that taste like the Lake Michigan shore? Yum. Check. Rolled oats? Check. (I know, people blend rolled oats into a drink-it-with-a-straw beverage. I don't really get it either.) Then I happened, completely by accident, down the juice aisle.
Behold, the wall of V8.
The color is terrifying. A brown-green like someone has mixed pea soup with apple cider. The packaging says it contains yellow carrot, green apple, cucumber, kale, romaine, other greens, and a hint of pineapple. #HiddenKale.
And it's ridiculously tasty.
I have no idea how healthy it is, but with a full serving of veggies in it, it has to be better for me than a glass of pop, or Crystal Light, or wine--so I'll consider it a win. Besides, consuming something of such a dastardly hue makes me feel healthy. Makes me get up in the morning and walk my not-a-morning-person ass from home to the farmer's market early on a Saturday and buy all sorts of veggies. Veggies I don't even know how to prepare, like beets and those green leafy things growing on the ends of the beets that I'm told are edible greens.
Now, it's my most sincere hope that where the internet failed me on providing passable "health shake" recipes, that it will exceed expectations for bacon sauteed beet greens. Mmm, bacon.